Disordered personalities


Okay, well this blog is a nice simple one (figuratively speaking). After quite some time I’ve come to realise that people all tend to have a simple personalities. These can be categorised (forgive the Americanism) as follows:

Fish
These type of people just can’t keep their mouth shut. Not the brightest sparks in the ‘kettle’, they just float about amongst groups of friends aimlessly blurting out pieces of information which they aren’t supposed to, and when the shit hits the fan (in the air bubble filter system), they just vanish and never feel any of the repercussions. They spend their entire life with their noses up against the window wondering what’s outside of the tank, but never realise that they are just one small fish in one small tank.

Potato
These people have no brain cells whatsoever. Anything they say is just recycled garbage they’ve seen on tv. Somehow they have lots of friends, but this is simply because they can present themselves in many different ways which people feel comfortable with (like chips, mash, jacket and roast). These are the type of people who don’t do anything in life but somehow end up rich. At the end of the day, they are still a bland tasting vegetable full of starch and useless cliches.

Office chair
Beware of these people. These people are full of false hope and promises. They look like lots of fun at first and everybody wants to try a spin with them, but you’re the lucky one. After a while, their spiraling moods and inconsistent expectations will start to make you feel sick, but you can’t escape because you’re still spinning with them. When you finally do stop, you have to sit down and do work. It takes a while before you feel better after getting off of an office chair.

Chameleon
This person has 100 personalities. There tends to only be one single trait which makes you remember this person isn’t an animal. This is the type of person who can somehow fit into every social situation and make it work. Blending into their habitat is this persons natural gift, but also their biggest flaw. It is almost impossible to form a connection with this person when they constantly change who they are. But who cares as long as there’s plenty of flies to eat?

Drill
This type of person is someone whose sole purpose is to basically grind away at any sense of happiness in your life, and leave you with lots of big empty holes in your enthusiasm, ready to be be filled with their negativity. Constantly getting deep into your moral foundations, just so they can hang all their weight onto you. Nothing functions as well with lots of holes in it.

Letter box
This person drains the life out of you. They tend to just stand around aimlessly and are only capable of delivering news (and letters). They have very little input to any part of your life, but without one you would struggle. They are completely incapable of making any decision and never stop asking you questions (in the form of junk mail). A very sturdy, but very boring person with an empty mouth.

I know this is quite bad to just group people into little categories, and I know that I won’t have covered every personality type, but I don’t really care.

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What is life?


Half asleep, you can hear the buzzing of the alarm next to your bed. Pressing snooze is the only comfort you can have, for half an hour or so, then you have to get back into the monotonous routine of life. Driving a cheap car on less than half a tank of petrol through rush-hour traffic with countless numbers of moronic drivers slowing you down to a dreary crawl. Arriving in the cold rain and wind to an old eye-sore of an office, a geometric block of crap sticking out of the run-down backstreets of a deprived town. Doing work ordered by idiots, for idiots, and dealing with infinite problems caused by peoples indecision as to which bureaucratic trollop you should be worshipping.

It often makes me wonder… What is life?

Is this really as good as it gets? Are we all mere numbers in a big governmental number crunching machine? Soon, people won’t be born with names, they’ll be born with barcodes. The only reason people can make it through day to day is by looking forward to things they have planned in the future. Having something to look forward to gives you meaning and purpose. Looking forward to heaven?

The only things which keep me going are my family, and my friends. Without them, I would have nothing to do with my life, I would have nothing to look forward to, and no reason to live. I would describe myself as a misanthrope, yet it is ironic how the only thing keeping me going is socialisation. It’s almost as if I love to hate life.

Without society, life would be nothing.

Life to me is… entertainment. What about you?

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Midnight Terrors!


There I was, walking my dog last night through the old forest across the road from my house. This forest, it’s an abyss of ancient and deformed trees which absorb any tiny glimpse of light from the moon, which you can barely see normally because of the large amount of impenetrable black cloud shrouding the night sky.

 It edges onto the main road next to my house and rears off into the vast hilled areas of the moors. It’s almost as if it is trying to claim the land back for itself each year by slowly growing over the street lights and dropping huge branches onto the road, like a sinister bid to swallow the road back up whilst causing as much destruction to the people who have ruined it as possible.

 I like walking through the forest at night because nobody else does! Everyone is scared of ‘muderers’ and ‘rapists’, but truth be told, they’re too scared to go in there anyway. So I figure everyone is scared of a whole lot of nothing, and I go for my solitary walk to help me relax and clear my mind.

 As I was about 10 minutes into the densely overgrown part of the woods, I decided to take a route different to my usual route, just in a misplaced sense of adventure. There is a small cross junction in the paths with two of the paths leading back to the main road, one path leading up the hill in a big circuit and back round to another part of the woods, and one final path which I had never been down before, half impassable because of protrusive brambles projecting themselves into the path like an iron maiden, and half impassable because of deep stagnant pools of water covering most the path, effervescing with bacteria ridden foam.

 The mystery and torture of the unknown got the better of me, so I warily decided to take a risk and head down this dark passage to try and unlock the secrets which it withheld.

 After about 3 minutes pushing the brambles out of my way, whilst doing what could be considered as bizarre yoga positions to get past the puddles of grime on the floor, I’d travelled quite a substantial distance down this winding path deeper into the darker realms of the forest.

 I noticed in the distance some odd shaped trees. Not the odd shape where you brain tells you it looks like a person, but odd geometric patters being formed out of the dark shadows. This is when curiosity turned into anxiety and adrenaline, which I could feel pumping round my body. This just intensified the lack of air in the forest as I struggled for breath. I tensed up as I realised what it was. It was like a child’s hideaway made from old branches, tied together with grass, but it was hanging from the tree. Panic raced through my mind, and all of a sudden it felt like there were eyes in the trees and inhumane people staring into my back.

 All of a sudden, I started running. Nothing felt right. Without thinking, I pelted further down the path, hurdling over the puddles, and scratching my arms against the brambles. I didn’t dare look back because I had no idea what could have possibly been there, but it just didn’t seem right. Just as I’d started to get to full speed, my feet hit something, an immovable weight, and sent me flying through the air. My whole body was flailing everywhere in panic. Then I hit the ground with a big solid thud, which half winded me and left me slightly dazed. As I lifted my head slowly, I looked around to see neatly trimmed grass, an old decaying fountain, and a smashed up green house.

 That’s when I realised I’d tripped up over a 4 foot wall, and fallen into the garden of the people who lived a few houses down the street. The weird things in the forest were their kids play areas, and what was worse, they were all sat in their back room and had seen me come flying into the garden landing face first into their flower bed, crushing a dozen of their tomato plants, with my dog just standing on top of the wall staring down at me with an excited look on his face wondering what kind of game I was playing.

 I gathered some composure, with tomato juice bleeding over my clothes, and walked off through their gate, back onto the main road pretending nothing had happened, and made my dog swear to never mention it to anyone!

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Why I hate Tuesdays.


The title says it all. Tuesdays really do simply suck.

Monday
They’re not so bad because you’re usually in a vegetated state all day, still recovering from a lack of sleep and stupendous rate of alcohol consumption over the weekend. I call this Monday Morning Syndrome (MMS). So the working day tends to fly by, and before you know it you are back at home watching TV, chilling with a nice ready-meal.

Wednesday
These are the middle of the week. By this point, you are back into the swing of things, work doesn’t seem so bad, you can quite easily manage to understand what everyone is doing and where everything is going.

Thursday
Shall always be an average day, simply because it is usually the day when you are on a course or there is some important meeting of some sort which will take up most of the day. So Thursdays never really seem to have any impact on the week.

Friday
This is the day when you finish doing everything you need to do, calm down the workload, and start getting pumped for the weekend! Maybe a cheeky trip to the pub for dinner instead of getting food. Fridays are always a good day. Regardless of what happens, you know you can leave it be until Monday.

Saturday
Saturdays are usually the hangover days. Catching up on the lack of sleep, because the good idea of staying up until 3am drinking has caught up on you. Then the usual unexpected / forgotten trip around half the country which you forgot you’d had planned for weeks. Then you go home, relax, and watch the Saturday night films.

Sunday
This day is always the day when you have to do everything for your family. Whether it’s tidying half the house, going visiting a relative you’ve not seen in a long time and barely remember, or doing a spot of DIY, it is family day. At least it’s followed by Sunday roast though, as a good reward for your hard work.

So then you are left with the awkward day of…

Tuesday
It’s the day when you come around from your sluggish Monday attitude, and you finally realise “I am actually sat in work, and I’m stuck here for another 4 days”. All the problems in work kick in from other people realising what they did wrong in their half asleep state of MMS, and weekend just seems so far away.

Some people believe it’s bad to live for the weekend, but for me, it’s all that gets me through the week. The day I win the lottery is the day I will be truly happy.

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Manchester ♥


Swilling down my 2 nd cup of coffee, staring out the window at the endless grey sky, watching the rain lash against the window, and feeling a cold chill run up my spine from the cold damp air seeping through the gaps in the window, I realised that I do love Manchester.

Yes, it’s always cold and raining and cloudy, has a crazy gang culture, and houses some of the roughest areas in England, but the people here are what make life worth living. It is often argued that there is “no culture” in Manchester, but quite obviously these people have never lived here. Judging culture purely on assets is ridiculous. Round here, culture is embraced through life, not through posh cars and mansions.

I find it preposterous that people can claim they have culture just because they own things. Maybe culture is formed because you own something, but that is usually more of a culture of hostility rather than compromise.

Being the central city of the industrial revolution, introducing computers to the world, and inventing jet engines, yet we still remain a city of modesty. There is one thing about round here which you should understand though, even though we are a modest city, we are on edge (probably because of the large amount of alcohol we consume), and will quite happily start a fight if someone dare suggest that Manchester is an unworthy place full of scum. We might not boast about our accomplishments, but we will not have someone slander the name of Manchester just because of sheer pompousness, or without just cause.

All I can say to the rest of the world, for the city of Manchester, is… Bring it on!

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Spam Scam


I really don’t understand why people make such stupid scam / spam mail. I just got an e-mail through today, with the senders e-mail address being something along the lines of “102kdjndw@hotmail.com” with the title “You should improve your sexuality”…

The actual content of the e-mail was: “Why You Need to Buy Penis Pills? If you choose the right penis enhancement pills that work for you, you will find yourself unwilling to go back to how sex used to be.”

To be honest, I was completely sold. I buy all of my pharmaceuticals off random people on the internet asking me for me bank account number and sort code (NOT!).

Does anybody actually fall for these tricks?! To me, it just seems like the scammers are getting more stupid by the day. My verdict is that if you are daft enough to fall for one of these scams, you deserve to be scammed.

Also, SPAM. WHY BOTHER?! “If you don’t forward this to 500 people, you will get 50 years bad luck”. Well I’ll probably be dead in 50 years, and I don’t know 500 people, so I guess I’m pretty screwed?

I wasn’t aware that the cosmic alignment of luck could revolve around an e-mail, but clearly I was wrong. Don’t send me spam, please. I don’t care for photoshopped pictures of cats in socks, hanging in a dogs mouth. Send me something worthwhile laughing at. Cheers!

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Cultural differences


As I read through the pretentious corporate jargon of the annual report from my new company’s American owners, I realised that culture has a major impact on life. I was quickly infuriated by the lack of the letter ‘u’, the overuse of the letter ‘z’, and the made up words which were a combination of modern western idioms rather than a grammatically correct Latin construction.

I found it difficult to take in this report as anything of any interest, simply because I felt my culture was being white-washed over and being ignored. Surely there should have been an English version of this report, rather than American, where it only had in the information in which we cared about.

“World leaders in ‘megatrends’”… I seriously read that as Megatron, and assumed I was working for a company which fought against the rise of the Transformers / Autobots.

“If you ever need to find a needle in a haystack, just give us a call! If by needle you mean pharmaceuticals, parasites, or chemicals and by haystack you mean water”….. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL. Why is it not possible to speak clearly?!

Maybe it’s just the culture I’ve been brought up in, where there isn’t really a need to try and impress everyone with ridiculous language and try and make things seem a lot better than they are. Where I’m from, we have a saying which goes “you can’t polish a turd”… Which pretty much sums it up for me.

I didn’t understand why, on the page of the board of directors, it had all their previous job titles too. “Former senior vice president & treasurer”. What do they actually do now then if that was what they used to do? “Former permanent secretary to the CEO”… Surely that’s an oxymoron?

I’ve come to the conclusion that in working situations, culture cannot be fully embraced, only experienced. When working with people, you can’t expect to be their best friend when you can both be from completely different backgrounds. If you want to run a business successfully amongst several different countries, there should be a distinct lack of culture of the company, so that all relations are entirely and strictly business.

Sorry for any offence I may have caused, but this is how I feel.

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